It funny how much you realize you want something still…even after laying dormant in the back of your mind and in the tucked-away filing cabinets of your heart chambers. sigh… And here I thought they year was going to play out how I wished for it to.
I want Tim, I want Alex. Both of them are wonderful. Time might be the only thing to tell which one apart. My heart has still been longing for Alex, with my mind unaware. Even the time and distance apart hadn’t changed that. Every time I see him at HOT or at a party with friends or in meetings….it’s like I want to be the girl he comes home to. I want to be the one to make him happy. He’s by far the most loving and caring man I have ever met. And the day he has a bride walking down the aisle towards him and it isn’t me, I’ll probably be the most jealous and sad woman on earth. The woman who has the privilege and honor to marry him will be the most fortunate….
Tim is beginning to wear me thin. I don’t know what happened. I wish I knew. I want him still, but I don’t know how good he is for me. It makes me think of how well I really know him or how well he really knows me. Or how he wants to know me…. I feel like it might be a moot point to even keep trying. I don’t know what I mean to him anymore and after this Halloween with what happened with Alex, it made me realize that there are still heartaches here in Tampa I’m dealing with, even after not being out in the open for so long.
I must be strong. I need to be strong. I want to be strong. I don’t know if I can be strong enough.